Mind-Killer/Total Obliteration or VOICES AIRY

My life at present moment, has seem to have taken on a general ambiance of frightfulness. With little indication as to what comes next or what I should do, making decisions on a daily basis is a little scary. Even the most solid of plans I’ve formed, which are still fairly uncertain, are intimidating, to put it at its most mild. As if the ambiance of fear has manifested into corporeal form, I’ve found this stationed outside my apartment:

what is a cat that is clearly of the Fall season doing hanging around my domicile in SPRING?

It’s supposed to be cute, which makes it even scarier. The fact that it’s clearly out of its element, sitting on a garbage can on a bright and sunny Spring day, makes it seem like it’s on the attack, it’s invading. And it’s been there for a couple of days… why hasn’t it been taken away and destroyed by the huge scary garbage truck?!

It’s easy to see fear as a mind-killer when staring into those wide open, unfocused, strangely hypnotic synthetic eyes. It’s like a gatekeeper, only I have no idea what gate it’s keeping – it’s maybe just generally paralyzingly scary-looking. It’s scarier because I can’t figure it out.

If fear is borne from a distinct lack of knowing, then logically speaking, the post-college, pre-career period must be, by definition, the most terrifying expanse of a lifetime. Unless you’re one of those people who has it all figured out right from the beginning, the minute you graduate is the moment all structure and direction in your life seems to fall away completely. Sure, you may have the general outline of “get a job, make some money, pay the bills,” but direction does not get much more VAGUE and UNHELPFUL than that. And so, in entering into the world of responsibility and self-sufficiency, it seems all too apparent to me, that I am entering a world of terror.

Quite fittingly, everything I do is generally terrifying. Searching for jobs – terrifying: hours spent crafting the best possible image of yourself, only to inevitably be rejected by the majority of non-hiring employers. Getting a new job – terrifying: knowing nothing about the protocols and peoples of an entirely new place and yet throwing yourself headlong into the fray. NOT getting a new job – TERRIFYING: I am hemorrhaging money. Thus, everything else I do becomes terrifying – buying lunch, gasing up my car, paying bills, sitting at home doing nothing, using electricity that will be billed in the future – nothing is safe!

But if I allow the terror of EVERYTHING to dictate my actions, the Scary Demonic Witch Cat wins. I think we can all agree, that’s not something any of us want. I refuse to fall into the depths of those dead eyes and wallow in indeterminacy. And so, I shall continue to sally forth!

What are fears but voices airy?                                                                  Whispering harm where harm is not.

-Wordsworth

Also, I shall avoid doing laundry until after garbage day, so I don’t have to walk by Demon Cat.

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1 Comment

  1. Mark r

     /  April 13, 2011

    Embrace the cat!!!

    Reply

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