It’s been a few days since I’ve blogged anything. As a principle, I wouldn’t ever want to thank people who pester me, just to avoid encouraging potentially irritating behavior, but being a very irritating person myself, I know pestering often comes from a loving place. At the very least it comes from loving to irritate, and that, I absolutely understand and cannot fault. So, to the people who’ve heckled, you are pests after my own heart, and I love you for it.

In the last few days, I’ve been thinking generally about what I want. I know what career I want to pursue and what I should be doing to start that process, but I guess having plenty of unstructured, if not free, time and a complete lack of definite direction inspires self-reflection. I tend to be, I think, a tad capricious – I’ve been known to be hopelessly subject to fads and obsessions. Sometimes my obsessions last – like Lord of the Rings (if you’re wondering, yes, at 12 I tried to learn Elvish, and I had an Elven name) – but usually they fade away in a couple of weeks. Right now my obsessiveness has latched onto Jane Eyre/Michael Fassbender/nineteenth century courtship novels, (thanks to my oh-so-useful English degree, I can tell you, this story, like many nineteenth century courtship novels, is a bildungsroman). Having spent so much time now watching movies and listening to the Jane Eyre audiobook, I’m worried that I’m starting to adapt the speech patterns of a nineteenth-century novelist. Which illustrates the point I’m trying to make – my mind changes so often and so significantly that sometimes it’s difficult if what I want is concrete and worth pursuing or just a fleeting whim borne out of a short obsession.

When you apply to Things, in school, They often ask you something along the lines of “who the hell are you anyways” but instead of phrasing it this way, they ask you to “Submit a personal statement.” Even cover letters or letters of intent are asking about who you are, even if they don’t ask outright, but everything you submit for consideration is supposed to allow Them to get a sense of who you are. My problem is that I always had difficulty figuring that out. That’s not to say that I’m suffering from an identity crisis; I know perfectly well who I am in a wishy-washy, wibbly-wobbly sort of way. But to put it into concrete words and weigh down that sense, and tell other people this is how you may define me – that I’ve always had difficulty with. And besides that, isn’t that why I went to college in the first place, isn’t that where I’m supposed to figure it out?

That definition, and the urging to self-categorize, it’s all part of the imposing and implacable STRUCTURE of the first 22 years of any college-bound person’s life. The progression of pre-school, elementary school, middle school, high school, college is such a driving force that once you drop out of it, it’s difficult to not just float in the void and reflect. It’s probably the reason I want to work in dead-end jobs for awhile, and the reason I want to go onto Route 66. Nothing says reflection like sitting in a small, enclosed space for 2 weeks with miles of open road, and staggering landscapes all around you.

Maybe what I want is just something life-changing. Something momentous and undeniable – but then again maybe I just want that because something that huge would point the way, add some structure back into my life, and make the wibbly-wobbly stable. I like to think I can deal with the wibbly-wobbly, and even thrive in it, considering how wibbly-wobbly my own inclinations are. At any rate, thinking about how wibbly or wobbly I may or may not be is starting make my head wibble with confusion, and I’m starting to be vaguely irritated by the words wibbly and wobbly, so I think I’ll just leave off consideration for now.

I know where I want to end up, I’ve figured out what I want my future to be – it’s just the present I’m having some trouble with. This week, I want a Rochester or a Darcy, next week I’ll probably want telekinesis or a penchant for flying.

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1 Comment

  1. Donald

     /  April 10, 2011

    I should really try not to read your blog at at 3am after a long day at school. At this hour your big words hurt my brain haha.


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