Cueing the Music and Changing the Date

This year has started out miraculously. For one, I have managed to fill out numerous forms over the last week without once putting “11” as the year. This used to be the bane of my existence. I must be growing.

Of course with the new year comes the obligatory resolve to somehow better ourselves. I’ve got a couple specifics, but basically mine all boil down to better discipline and self-control. I mean really, whose doesn’t? But I think recognizing it as a general character flaw that simply specific goals I’m working towards makes it easier to make myself tackle. This seems a little counter-intuitive – I think people usually like to focus on the little problems that make up the big problem. But if I recognize it as a problematic flaw rather than a self-improvement project it seems more pressing.

When I first started tapping out this blog, I intended to leave is short and sweet and glaze over what’s been a large part of the last few months. But some things are maybe too important to not talk about. I’ve tried to avoid pointing out the months of neglect on this site, but so much has happened that it’s difficult to jump back into everything in the middle of it. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, it was too personal and too private to write about. And then it seemed to unimportant. And then it became too far removed. It’s strange to talk about the atypical home routines that become routine.

On Thursday, a few days from now, will be my mom’s last chemotherapy session. I asked if I could take her. When the New Year is rung in all around the world, I often completely fail to make a big to-do. I just can’t be bothered, it’s too arbitrary, simply a convention of modern society. While I find the end of the year a bit blase, the end of chemotherapy strikes me as a big deal. There are still a few things that my mom will be dealing with, but it feels like the end of an era, the close to a chapter. The job I took while I was staying with my family will be wrapping up soon, and it just feels like –  soon there will be a montage and music with feeling and a pithy voiceover to synthesize and summarize the last few months.

The problem with this comparison is that at the end of a movie, the protagonist is meant to have had some sort of epiphany, some integral evolution that makes them a more complete person. So far I’ve managed to remember to change the year when I write the date. If I realize any other inherent character flaws that have recently been eradicated in my person (thus allowing for a very satisfying arc), I’ll be sure to let you know. In the meanwhile, I’ll just have to settle for the conventional new year’s resolutions, or rather resolutions as to what to do when our post-cancer lives resume. Tragically, this does not come with a soundtrack or voiceover… unless I take to carrying around large speakers and an iPod. I’m not ruling anything out.

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